Tired

Slowly, my heart sinks into this song completely. I am tired to hang on sometimes. She is my prayers and my wish. Everything went wrong when she is declining invitation often, as if I have no idea whether will there be a chance. I am just like being fished with a bait, pulling the string over and over again. Someday, this string's gonna cut off. 2013 would be the year I make a comeback to chess world and stoned my heart once again, if that's what happen. If only she becomes my prayer, I would dedicate 110% back to her.

I remembered the first time meeting her at Istana Singapura, 7th August 2011. It's like falling in love once again. The once shattered heart are mending together. Yet, seems like, it's just an illusion. Is it? Guess she is not into me. Like a wounded dog, it licks its own wound, straddle to the side of the corner road, healing itself.      

How hard is it to find my 1st GF and the last? For the past 3 years, I'd been trying to build my fortune, to ease the lifestyle burden. Increasing possible passive income so that I can bring my love one to vacations. I knew she likes to dive. It's always me who tried to date her out. Seems it looks like a one-way communication. I am totally a failure.  

Chess is a fun game but can be cruel, when I stoned myself to a different person. It would be a battle of a machine without love. I will be a killing machine if possible. Bloodshed over the chess board. I will try to up my stamina and slim down to regain back my physical fitness to cope with the tournament pressure.

End of 2012: Goodbye Love.
2013: Welcome Chess Demon  

Sigh

I am tired with life. I have no idea why it struck my mind. To others, she is just an ordinary person, but to me, she is someone special. It has been a long time that I had lost this kind of feeling. However, I feel like being distanced away from her. Slowly drifting apart. Maybe I am not meant to be the one. It's always me who establish contacts. Will she contact me instead, letting me know what she is doing daily? I doubt so. I remember her everyday when I wake up. 

Should I go back to play chess competitively and stoned my heart again for a year or 2 again? At this moment, I think she is diving in Thailand. I'd not whatsapp her for near to 3 months. Guess, I made no impact to her life. Guess she doesn't want me to know her. Year 2012 gonna end in a month's time. I feel so tired. I am so tired with life. I feel like going for a vacation to somewhere there's no people living at that area. An island maybe. I can only dream of clinging to her shoulder when I am down and at the lowest point of my life. It will always be in dream. The only dream that never comes true. I am just feeling tired deep in my heart.  

How is she doing?

I haven't seen her for 2 months. I wonder how is she doing right now. Guess, I don't have the chance to take care of her. I just love to see her smile and eyes. Is she avoiding talking to me? Maybe I need a break from this life and go for a hide out from this world. It's always in my dream that I will bring her to go vacation around. No matter how hard my struggle is, if she ever stands by my side, I will cherish every moments with her. I will leave aside everything. I can only achieve this in my dream. I suppose, it's just will be in a dream for her to be my first girlfriend and soul mate if possible. My feeling now is just like the song below.

 

Sunday 22nd July

I had a thought about my investment strategies. I changed quite a lot of strategies which suit me the best. I realized that I need to consolidate my investment instead of diversifying too much. I took quite a number of risks in 2012 resulting in gains and losses. It's a lesson that it's not a heavy losses, yet, the gains did covered the losses, resulting in no losses for 2012.

As we reached the 2nd quarter, I will put some of my investments in long term approach as I am not a day trader like others. Just put there and let it raise while getting my dividends. Hope that the dividends will cover my future house instalments by a few months. I am planning for 2013 purchase for my first house. Well, people said that 1st house is for own stay instead of investing purpose. So I will just buy 1 and travel every weekend back to take care of the house and my car of course. It's gonna be a house without a queen. Wish I can have 1 as a Queen of my house. I will work extra hard starting tomorrow. Of course health is important too.

Saturday 21 July

I woke up late today coz I slept late yest. Thus, I postpone my plan to go to City Square to Sunday. Guess I have to wake up 7am to go to City Square. For the whole day, I did nothing but watching a Taiwanese drama, Fondant Garden. It makes me think of her. Where is she? How is she today? Happy today? I just want to see her smile. I listen to the OST over and over again. Watching this beautiful MV, reminds me of her everyday.

Life

I have many dreams, but can I achieve them? I'd let go some of my dreams, the impossibilities. I tried to find the chances to increase my investment stakes. Within few more months, I will complete my KLSE quest. Then I shall start a new journey towards owning property. A house. How I wish that I can share the house and fill it with the one I love. 2013 is the year where I shall look for property in Johor. I want to have a roof above my head, to provide some security for my love ones. I have to plan for financial freedom as well, as I want to retire early. Who would like to work? I wouldn't want my love ones to work too hard and stress herself over work.

Life isn't just about working. If I can achieve financial freedom, I will bring her all over the world. Can that be achieved? It's a dream. Maybe that's me, and I will be the only one working hard on that. It's tiring to fight alone. Well, I had been walking alone this far all this while. If only I can find the owner to my house, I would give her everything I have. I don't have the handsome look nor am I a flatter person towards girl in reality. Maybe that's hard to captivate any girls. Life.....sometimes I just want to give up hope.....but when I see her smile...I can keep on walking...It's not wrong to love or fond of a person. At this moment, I am wondering what is she doing. How's work? What happen on Sunday's event?

It's time to sleep..It's 1.16am....

When she feels stress...

She is working at home at this hour. Guess, her tension crept into her mind due to the needs of walking around those shops for activities, having paper works undone. How I wish I am beside her, to release her tension, to keep her smiling all the time. If only I can make a fortune of my own, that can bring me some relief in life, I would take care of her forever if she is willing to give me a chance. Feeling sad when she is feeling stress over the work. If I am given a chance, I would work extra mile, so that she doesn't have to work so hard for the living. I will give her all my best in life. The only thing I can do is to send her concerns and messages to ensure that she is stress-free and happy while working. It's always a principle for me, to treat my love ones 120%....Before I sleep, I just pray that she can hang on. I can only have her in my dream, but in reality, will I be given the chance? I really don't know. I don't have the handsome look that can captivate such a pretty girl in my heart, but I hope she can feel my sincerity....

I am listening to this song over and over again...it makes me miss her even more......