Why?

The first time I met her, her eyes captivated me. She is just an ordinary girl but she stands out among them. Well, special in the eyes of the beholder. I am not trying to look some vase, but someone I like. I want to cherish her, spending time with her. After my confession, I feel the coldness. I can't see her, hear her voice. Is she ignoring me? If yes, does that mean I have to stone cold my heart again for 5 years? Everyday, I am thinking about her. I just can't get it out of my mind. If the world ever ends, I would try to rescue her.

Memories of a LOSER!!!

Chess has accompanied me for more than 18 years. I started playing chess since I was 12 years old. Ever since then, I fall in love with chess. I had no coaches. Just 1 book. At that time, I wasn't exposed to chess much till the university life. My life had always been studying. It was too late to learn deeper chess knowledge at the age of 20. There wasn't any excitement in my university life. The reason why I did not want to involve in relationship is, being responsible towards the other half, up to after graduation. I learnt a saying that "Take care of yourself first before taking care of others.".

I came from a normal family, where my parents need to support me and my brother at the university level. It was hard for my parents to support us. In order not to burden them much, I tried to find some extra resources during semester break. When everyone was enjoying their holiday, there I was, looking for chances to earn some extra decent income. Who am I to be in relationship when I can't even take care of myself that time? I can't burden my other half because of that.

Even if I had admiration towards someone in University, I was glad, it was not a successful pursue. Else, I won't be here today, learning about stocks and achieve towards early retirement. When I fall for someone, I would try to accommodate to her 120%. It happened once. Someone told me "Never stand to near to the tree, look around you. There are better trees out there. Since you stand too near, you can't see the actual's tree's leaves and fruits. Are they worth for you to sacrifice?" All of this happened on 2 weeks before my 2007 birthday. For 1.5 years, being the pursuer, I finally decided to give up after the fantastic words struck my mind. It was 4 years of admiration and 1.5 years as pursuer. I buried myself in chess competition for 11 days in Perlis, where I managed to whack 7.5 points out of 11 points. It was a hard decisions but, it was worthily to make such a move.

So there I was, June 23 2007. I stoned my heart for 3 years in University as tutor. I tried to find myself. Lack of motivation in life seeped in. I started to learn stocks in the middle of 2008.My motivations towards early retirement started to arise. As market crash, though, I was hold up in it, I kept it for 1 year before manage to sell it for a little profit. I started to look at blue chips. My first successful ever was buying Carlsberg Malaysia. At that time, Carlsberg was losing the share price to GAB, yet, when it pursued Carlsberg Singapore with cash, I viewed it in a different perspective. It's a business that generates income and expansion through Singapore.

As my contract ends on 11 January 2010, I needed to find a job. I was lucky and grateful to my course-mate who introduced me into the current company. Unexpectedly, I was given a chance to go to Singapore. It was a great chances. I grabbed it immediately. Life wasn't that great as I was busy learning. There wasn't any great entertainment other than watching dramas and entered chess competitions.

All this started to change till I met her on August 7 2011. Her eyes are kind of shining. My frozen heart started to melt, that I wanted to know about her. These FROZEN HEART melted after all these 5 YEARS!!! I managed to establish contacts with her. I tried to know more about her, understand her and concern about her. Guess she will be the 2nd girl I ever wanted to know. I am not sure whether she knows about my pursuant that time, before I really confessed.

I remembered her birthday, February 20th. Before that, I remembered that she said that her working place was kind of hot. Thus, I remind myself that I must buy a USB fan for her. To be more precise, I added usb cables for her as well, just in case, it wasn't long enough to attach to her PC. I was thoughtful of her plight. Therefore, I knew she was having stress at work. Thus, I included the 3rd item, a small doggy toy, to accompany her when she is sad or stress. 3 things. Yet, it took a month to really give her those birthday present.

I was a sore loser for confessing that in WHATSAPP!!!

It's because, I HAD NEVER EVER CONFESSED TO A GIRL FACE TO FACE BEFORE!!!

Before that, I did a stupid ever thing which would be eating McDonalds, for 4 weeks,  just to get the Hello Kitty for her, without knowing that she dislikes Hello Kitty. The worse part was, I stitch my confessions on 1 of the Hello Kitty. It took me 1 hour to sew that on the toy. Nearly prickle my fingers. What a dumb person I am? Trying to give surprises, backfire myself. She kept on pushing away those Hello Kitty back to me, thus, the message wasn't pass to her. I don't know whether she notice there're words at 1 of the toys.

Guess, my chance to really have her as my soul-mate, would be near to 0%, as she often rejected me when I asked her out. It's so hard to date her out. If only it's proven wrong, that she will instead ask me out either eating or watching movies, I would be glad. I guess, it's all in a fairytale. I want to treat and concern her more. I want to bring her along with me to wherever I will go, be it Japan, Korea or Hong Kong or Europe. I want to give her surprises and memories that she will never forget. I think it will always remain to happen in a dream. I just can hold her and dream of her smile in my sleep. Sometimes, I just don't feel like waking up, and continue dreaming about her. At least, I can live in dreamland forever, see her smile and celebrate each other's birthdays..... sounds sad celebrating my own birthday in a room, facing 4 walls in reality...

  

My Birthday

While writing this, I wish that the special one would know that today is My birthday. I remember her birthday, Feb 20. I tried to remember every single thing about her, knowing her more and getting close to her. But I got tongue tied. I wish to see her everyday. Will that come true?


For the 2nd time in my life, ever since  June 23 2007, till I met her on August 2012, I have no worries. All I did is about myself. There are a lot of things that I want to do for her. I just don't know why. Maybe that's because I am fond of her. What are my chances? I have no idea...Due to lack of confidence in this relationship thing. When I want to be in serious relationship, I vow that I will give 120% commitment to her only. I am just scared that she will ignore me, and that's why I have been having insomnia lately, and emotional too. With just a single word, I am motivated. 


Yet. if she ask me, I will use all my courage to say, "Yes, 520". Just don't know why can't type that word out. Need practise? If she ever sees this blog, I have no regret letting her know that, I want to protect her and be by her side.
    
Why am I so timid in expressing myself? I dare to whack all my opponents in chess, even though I am not a highly rated player. I am just an avid hobbyist, trying to prove that, there's nothing to worry or scared of. When I look into her eyes, there's something that attracts me to her. I want her to smile. I like to see her smile. If only she would sms me to wish me Happy Birthday, I am delighted.


Sometimes, I asked myself, why would being Mr.Nice guy always finish last? Should become bad guy instead? They say "Nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai". Well just let fate decide. I will just be myself. 

2012: Evolution

2011 came to an end, with high and low in life. It's time to properly organize my life, by having 1 more space in my heart. If there's fate, then there will be destiny. I may not know what the future lies ahead of me, but, I am sure that, I am healed from the past trauma. I should consider myself lucky, being not the chose one, for if not, I may not be able to go to where I am now. Thank you.

I spent too much resources in 2011. I shall call it quits in 2012. Everyone thoughts that, working in Singapore, is rich. If it's all dollar to dollar, and exclusive of exchange rates, we are actually the same. It's just that when I go back to Malaysia, I can buy something extra. I am grateful for the chances given by the company. There are friends out there that don't understand, the sacrifices made to earn this. All they got to know, was criticizing and saying how wealthy you are if you work in Singapore. They don't understand that it's all sweat and blood in earning this credits. There's always a give and take policy, yet, they take it for granted.  

Guess with the lessons learnt, I shall spend the times best with those who knows what real sacrifices mean. This shall be the best decisions made, as it's hard to please everyone. I have my freedom.

In 2012, the resolutions are:
1. Investing in dividend stocks and keep proper portfolio in investments.
2. Temporarily quit chess 1 year.
3. Managing e-Commerce website.
4. Having someone special (if destine to be)
5. Probably taking PMP.

Later on, probably there will be more in the resolutions. I can't think of any at this moment.

Ending of 2011 - Change

2011 will come to an end in a few weeks time. There were several ups and downs in this 2011.

As usual, it was very busy sometimes. Rushing for deadlines and last minutes requests. Sometimes, work can be done fast if there's some proper coordination among the communication levels. The most important aspect in team is the teamwork. When in team, it's important to have "We" spirits in it and not "I". I would never want to collaborate with someone who had the "I" mindset, as it will bring down the whole task. I for sure would not want to bring problems to the team, by trying to fulfil what is given.

I'd fulfilled several of my resolutions for 2011. Now I have my D7000, it's time for me to plan for vacations. Looking for friends who want to travel around. I wanted to capture the moments of joy and friendship through the lenses. Though I have yet to fully master all the functions, I will try to learn slowly, due to working environment.

As for iPhone 4, I would change it to 2012 resolution by having Galaxy Notes. Most probably in Jan. In January, I will quit certain things, to focus on the finance after purchasing my Galaxy Notes. It's usage is for Share trading especially if I am in the MRT. I would like to have a bigger screen, so that I can read newspapers early morning.

I'd performed lasik in April. So far, everything is OK. It's just that, my eyes tend to get tired easily. Sometimes, I need a break after staring at the computer for 2 hours. I will go back to Malaysia next year for a yearly check up. Eyes is the window to the world. For 2011, I'd spent a lot on myself so that I can use it in 2012.

Starting tomorrow onwards, I shall cut on certain calories, and bring in more fruits and vegetables to my menu. It's time to do some exercise to keep healthy and fresh. I need a change of lifestyle, for how many 10 years do we have in life? As I'd someone in mind, it's best for me to shed lots of weight.

Resolutions 2012:
1. Samsung Galaxy Notes - January
2. Increase dividend shares.
3. Vacations.
4. Clear my PTPTN debts 100%.
5. Initiate online business.

Life in Singapore 3: September 2011

Suddenly I have the urge of writing blog. It has been a long time not updating this blog.

It is my 1.5 years in Singapore. I had gone through ups and downs in career. There are so many things to learn. I was given the chances to learn, at the same time, adapt to the fast paced life struggle.

I am glad that I took the chance to go to Singapore. I supposed to have run to Singapore in 2008, if I had soul searched myself earlier. Better late than never. During the years here, I realized that we should have created our own backdoor. Starting this Sunday, I shall create my own backdoor so that whenever there's world economy crisis, I will be able to withstand the typhoons. I am trying to achieve my first financial security by 2012. Then I shall make my 2012 resolutions.

In Love, just let the fate destined who shall I meet with. For the past, I wished her happiness in life and let bygone be bygone. Honestly, I deserved someone better. That's the positive side during the soul searching. I should be thankful that I wasn't the one as destined. I made the right choice as well, when I decided to walk away. I did soul searching from 2007-2010. Now, I am a much better man. I shall pour my 100% love to the deserved one.

I am grateful to my company that gave me this chances to be abroad, and I managed to forget those sadness that plagued me for 3 years. Now, I am enjoying what I do freely. Hope to see myself at the top of the world.

In Chess, I just enjoy myself by beating rated players. I don't care whether win or lose, but the feeling of being noted as a rated player slayer would be my aim. I have another tournament this coming October.

To be continue...

My Own Game of The Month

This is my first win over a higher rated player in my list. I was attacked, but I solved every problems like solving a puzzle.

[Event "Thomson Tournament"]

[Date "2011.06.05"]

[Round "3"]

[White "Poh Heng, Tan"]

[Black "Boon Why, Lee"]

[Result "0-1"]

[ECO "B56"]

[WhiteElo "2139"]

[BlackElo "1862"]

[EventDate "2011.06.05"]

[EventRounds "3"]

1. e4 c5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. d4 cxd4 4. Nxd4 Nf6 5. Nc3 d6 6. Bb5 Bd7 7. O-O g6 8.

Bg5 Bg7 9. Qd2 O-O 10. Nxc6 Bxc6 11. Bxc6 bxc6 12. Rad1 Qb6 13. b3 Rfe8 14. Qd3

Nd7 15. Na4 Qb7 16. c4 Ne5 17. Qc2 c5 18. Nc3 Nc6 19. Be3 Bd4 20. Nd5 Bxe3 21.

fxe3 Ne5 22. Rf4 Kg7 23. Rdf1 f6 24. Rh4 g5 25. Rh3 Rh8 26. Qe2 Raf8 27. Rg3 e6

28. Nf4 Kf7 29. Qh5+ Ke7 30. Nh3 Qxe4 31. Nf2 Qg6 32. Qd1 f5 33. b4 cxb4 34.

Qa4 Rd8 35. Qxa7+ Rd7 36. Qd4 Rc8 37. Rc1 Rdc7 38. Rd1 Nxc4 39. e4 e5 40. Qd5

f4 41. Rh3 Ne3 42. Rxh7+ Qxh7 43. Qxd6+ Kf7 44. Nd3 Nxd1 45. Nxe5+ Kg7 46. Nd7

Qg6 47. Qe5+ Kh6 48. Nf6 Ne3 49. h3 Rc1+ 50. Kh2 R8c2 51. Ng4+ Nxg4+ 0-1


Analyis:

1. e4 c5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. d4 cxd4 4. Nxd4 Nf6 5. Nc3 d6

{ B56 Sicilian Defense: Classical Variation }

6. Bb5 Bd7 7. O-O g6 8. Bg5 Bg7 9. Qd2 O-O 10. Nxc6 Bxc6 11. Bxc6 bxc6 12. Rad1 Qb6 13. b3 Rfe8 14. Qd3 Nd7 15. Na4 Qb7 16. c4 Ne5?!

{ (0.10 → 0.68) Inaccuracy. Best move was c5. }
(16... c5 17. Qd2 Nb8 18. Rfe1 Nc6 19. Be3 Qb4 20. Qc1 Reb8 21. h3 Qb7 22. Qd2 Qb4 23. Qd3) 17. Qc2?!

{ (0.68 → 0.00) Inaccuracy. Best move was Qh3. }
(17. Qh3 Qd7 18. Qg3 Qg4 19. Qxg4 Nxg4 20. f3 Nf6 21. Be3 Nd7 22. c5 Nxc5 23. Nxc5 dxc5)

17... c5 18. Nc3 Nc6 19. Be3?!
{ (0.00 → -0.62) Inaccuracy. Best move was Na4. }
 (19. Na4 Nb4 20. Qe2 Rab8 21. Rfe1 Rec8 22. Bf4 Nc6 23. Qd2 h5 24. Be3 Qb4 25. Qc1 Qb7) 19... Bd4?!
{ (-0.62 → 0.15) Inaccuracy. Best move was Nb4. }
(19... Nb4 20. Qd2 Bxc3 21. Qxc3 Qxe4 22. Bh6 f6 23. Rfe1 Qf5 24. Rd2 Nc6 25. Rd5 Qd7 26. Rdd1) 20. Nd5?!
{ (0.15 → -0.36) Inaccuracy. Best move was Bxd4. }
(20. Bxd4 Nxd4 21. Qd3 Rf8 22. Rfe1 Rad8 23. Nb5 e5 24. Nc3 f5 25. exf5 gxf5 26. Qh3 Qg7) 20... Bxe3 21. fxe3 Ne5 22. Rf4 Kg7 23. Rdf1 f6 24. Rh4 g5 25. Rh3 Rh8 26. Qe2 Raf8 27. Rg3?!
{ (-0.40 → -1.21) Inaccuracy. Best move was Nf4. }
(27. Nf4 Rfg8) 27... e6 28. Nf4 Kf7 29. Qh5+?!

{ (-0.57 → -1.26) Inaccuracy. Best move was Nh5. }
(29. Nh5 Ke7 30. Qc2 h6 31. Rd1 a5 32. Rh3 Qb6 33. Rf1 Qa6 34. Rb1 Kd7 35. Rd1 a4)

29... Ke7 30. Nh3 Qxe4 31. Nf2 Qg6 32. Qd1 f5 33. b4 cxb4 34. Qa4 Rd8?!
{ (-1.07 → -0.18) Inaccuracy. Best move was Ra8. }
(34... Ra8 35. Qxb4) 35. Qxa7+?
{ (-0.18 → -1.68) Mistake. Best move was c5. }
(35. c5 dxc5 36. Qxa7+ Nd7 37. Rd1 Rhf8 38. Qb7 Rf7 39. e4 Ke8 40. Rgd3 g4 41. Qc6 e5)

35... Rd7 36. Qd4 Rc8 37. Rc1?!
{ (-1.81 → -2.47) Inaccuracy. Best move was c5. }
(37. c5 Rxc5 38. Qxb4 Rc2 39. a4 Rc4 40. Qb3 Rdc7 41. Rd1 Rc1 42. a5 g4 43. Rxc1 Rxc1+)

37... Rdc7 38. Rd1 Nxc4 39. e4?
{ (-2.30 → -3.46) Mistake. Best move was Nd3. }
 (39. Nd3 e5 40. Qd5 h5 41. h4 g4 42. Nxb4 Kf8 43. e4 f4 44. Rc3 Ne3 45. Rxc7 Rxc7)

39... e5?
{ (-3.46 → -1.91) Mistake. Best move was f4. }
(39... f4 40. Rb3 e5 41. Qd3 Ne3 42. Re1 Rc4 43. h3 h5 44. Qb1 R4c7 45. Rxb4 Nc2 46. a4)

40. Qd5??
{ (-1.91 → -5.84) Blunder. Best move was exf5. }
(40. exf5 exd4 41. fxg6 Ne3 42. Re1 hxg6 43. Rxg5 Rc1 44. Nd3 Rxe1+ 45. Nxe1 Rc3 46. Kf2 Ra3)

40... f4 41. Rh3?!
{ (-5.54 → -6.08) Inaccuracy. Best move was Rgd3. }
(41. Rgd3 Ne3 42. Qa5 Nxd1 43. Rxd1 Rc1 44. Qxb4 Qe6 45. Qb2 Qc4 46. Qd2 Rxd1+ 47. Nxd1 Qxe4)

41... Ne3 42. Rxh7+??
{ (-5.77 → -9.18) Blunder. Best move was Rxe3. }
(42. Rxe3 fxe3 43. Nd3 Qe6 44. Qxe6+ Kxe6 45. Re1 Rc3 46. Nxb4 R3c4 47. Nd5 Rxe4 48. Nxe3 d5)

42... Qxh7 43. Qxd6+ Kf7 44. Nd3?
{ (-8.10 → -13.62) Mistake. Best move was Re1. }
(44. Re1 Qg6) 44... Nxd1 45. Nxe5+ Kg7 46. Nd7 Qg6 47. Qe5+ Kh6 48. Nf6?!

{ (-20.95 → Mate in 7) Checkmate is now unavoidable. Best move was h3. }
(48. h3 Rxd7 49. Qb5 Rd4 50. a4 bxa3 51. Kh2 a2 52. Qa5 Rc2 53. Qa8 Rxg2+ 54. Kh1 Qxe4) 48... Ne3 49. h3 Rc1+ 50. Kh2 R8c2?!

{ (Mate in 3 → Mate in 7) Not the best checkmate sequence.
Best move was Nf1+. } (50... Nf1+ 51. Kg1 Ng3+ 52. Kh2 Rh1#) 51. Ng4+ Nxg4+ 0-1