Tired

Slowly, my heart sinks into this song completely. I am tired to hang on sometimes. She is my prayers and my wish. Everything went wrong when she is declining invitation often, as if I have no idea whether will there be a chance. I am just like being fished with a bait, pulling the string over and over again. Someday, this string's gonna cut off. 2013 would be the year I make a comeback to chess world and stoned my heart once again, if that's what happen. If only she becomes my prayer, I would dedicate 110% back to her.

I remembered the first time meeting her at Istana Singapura, 7th August 2011. It's like falling in love once again. The once shattered heart are mending together. Yet, seems like, it's just an illusion. Is it? Guess she is not into me. Like a wounded dog, it licks its own wound, straddle to the side of the corner road, healing itself.      

How hard is it to find my 1st GF and the last? For the past 3 years, I'd been trying to build my fortune, to ease the lifestyle burden. Increasing possible passive income so that I can bring my love one to vacations. I knew she likes to dive. It's always me who tried to date her out. Seems it looks like a one-way communication. I am totally a failure.  

Chess is a fun game but can be cruel, when I stoned myself to a different person. It would be a battle of a machine without love. I will be a killing machine if possible. Bloodshed over the chess board. I will try to up my stamina and slim down to regain back my physical fitness to cope with the tournament pressure.

End of 2012: Goodbye Love.
2013: Welcome Chess Demon  

Sigh

I am tired with life. I have no idea why it struck my mind. To others, she is just an ordinary person, but to me, she is someone special. It has been a long time that I had lost this kind of feeling. However, I feel like being distanced away from her. Slowly drifting apart. Maybe I am not meant to be the one. It's always me who establish contacts. Will she contact me instead, letting me know what she is doing daily? I doubt so. I remember her everyday when I wake up. 

Should I go back to play chess competitively and stoned my heart again for a year or 2 again? At this moment, I think she is diving in Thailand. I'd not whatsapp her for near to 3 months. Guess, I made no impact to her life. Guess she doesn't want me to know her. Year 2012 gonna end in a month's time. I feel so tired. I am so tired with life. I feel like going for a vacation to somewhere there's no people living at that area. An island maybe. I can only dream of clinging to her shoulder when I am down and at the lowest point of my life. It will always be in dream. The only dream that never comes true. I am just feeling tired deep in my heart.  

How is she doing?

I haven't seen her for 2 months. I wonder how is she doing right now. Guess, I don't have the chance to take care of her. I just love to see her smile and eyes. Is she avoiding talking to me? Maybe I need a break from this life and go for a hide out from this world. It's always in my dream that I will bring her to go vacation around. No matter how hard my struggle is, if she ever stands by my side, I will cherish every moments with her. I will leave aside everything. I can only achieve this in my dream. I suppose, it's just will be in a dream for her to be my first girlfriend and soul mate if possible. My feeling now is just like the song below.

 

Sunday 22nd July

I had a thought about my investment strategies. I changed quite a lot of strategies which suit me the best. I realized that I need to consolidate my investment instead of diversifying too much. I took quite a number of risks in 2012 resulting in gains and losses. It's a lesson that it's not a heavy losses, yet, the gains did covered the losses, resulting in no losses for 2012.

As we reached the 2nd quarter, I will put some of my investments in long term approach as I am not a day trader like others. Just put there and let it raise while getting my dividends. Hope that the dividends will cover my future house instalments by a few months. I am planning for 2013 purchase for my first house. Well, people said that 1st house is for own stay instead of investing purpose. So I will just buy 1 and travel every weekend back to take care of the house and my car of course. It's gonna be a house without a queen. Wish I can have 1 as a Queen of my house. I will work extra hard starting tomorrow. Of course health is important too.

Saturday 21 July

I woke up late today coz I slept late yest. Thus, I postpone my plan to go to City Square to Sunday. Guess I have to wake up 7am to go to City Square. For the whole day, I did nothing but watching a Taiwanese drama, Fondant Garden. It makes me think of her. Where is she? How is she today? Happy today? I just want to see her smile. I listen to the OST over and over again. Watching this beautiful MV, reminds me of her everyday.

Life

I have many dreams, but can I achieve them? I'd let go some of my dreams, the impossibilities. I tried to find the chances to increase my investment stakes. Within few more months, I will complete my KLSE quest. Then I shall start a new journey towards owning property. A house. How I wish that I can share the house and fill it with the one I love. 2013 is the year where I shall look for property in Johor. I want to have a roof above my head, to provide some security for my love ones. I have to plan for financial freedom as well, as I want to retire early. Who would like to work? I wouldn't want my love ones to work too hard and stress herself over work.

Life isn't just about working. If I can achieve financial freedom, I will bring her all over the world. Can that be achieved? It's a dream. Maybe that's me, and I will be the only one working hard on that. It's tiring to fight alone. Well, I had been walking alone this far all this while. If only I can find the owner to my house, I would give her everything I have. I don't have the handsome look nor am I a flatter person towards girl in reality. Maybe that's hard to captivate any girls. Life.....sometimes I just want to give up hope.....but when I see her smile...I can keep on walking...It's not wrong to love or fond of a person. At this moment, I am wondering what is she doing. How's work? What happen on Sunday's event?

It's time to sleep..It's 1.16am....

When she feels stress...

She is working at home at this hour. Guess, her tension crept into her mind due to the needs of walking around those shops for activities, having paper works undone. How I wish I am beside her, to release her tension, to keep her smiling all the time. If only I can make a fortune of my own, that can bring me some relief in life, I would take care of her forever if she is willing to give me a chance. Feeling sad when she is feeling stress over the work. If I am given a chance, I would work extra mile, so that she doesn't have to work so hard for the living. I will give her all my best in life. The only thing I can do is to send her concerns and messages to ensure that she is stress-free and happy while working. It's always a principle for me, to treat my love ones 120%....Before I sleep, I just pray that she can hang on. I can only have her in my dream, but in reality, will I be given the chance? I really don't know. I don't have the handsome look that can captivate such a pretty girl in my heart, but I hope she can feel my sincerity....

I am listening to this song over and over again...it makes me miss her even more......

Life is Short...

Life is so short that you won't know when will u leave this world. If I ever leave this world, the only regret is not to know her earlier. Watching this Taiwan Drama, Absolute Boyfriend, it makes me think about loving a person true to the heart. I swear I would give everything to her till my very last breath and last day on Earth.
I wanted to call her, but I am too scared. I don't know what to talk, ask or chat, when it comes to someone that I fall for. Everyday, I would think how is her day at work, what she eats, where she wants to go during weekend, whether want to have dinner with me? It's all in my wishlist, guess it will all boil down to dream only. I would not ask for more, just to see her happy and smile.

Why?

The first time I met her, her eyes captivated me. She is just an ordinary girl but she stands out among them. Well, special in the eyes of the beholder. I am not trying to look some vase, but someone I like. I want to cherish her, spending time with her. After my confession, I feel the coldness. I can't see her, hear her voice. Is she ignoring me? If yes, does that mean I have to stone cold my heart again for 5 years? Everyday, I am thinking about her. I just can't get it out of my mind. If the world ever ends, I would try to rescue her.

Memories of a LOSER!!!

Chess has accompanied me for more than 18 years. I started playing chess since I was 12 years old. Ever since then, I fall in love with chess. I had no coaches. Just 1 book. At that time, I wasn't exposed to chess much till the university life. My life had always been studying. It was too late to learn deeper chess knowledge at the age of 20. There wasn't any excitement in my university life. The reason why I did not want to involve in relationship is, being responsible towards the other half, up to after graduation. I learnt a saying that "Take care of yourself first before taking care of others.".

I came from a normal family, where my parents need to support me and my brother at the university level. It was hard for my parents to support us. In order not to burden them much, I tried to find some extra resources during semester break. When everyone was enjoying their holiday, there I was, looking for chances to earn some extra decent income. Who am I to be in relationship when I can't even take care of myself that time? I can't burden my other half because of that.

Even if I had admiration towards someone in University, I was glad, it was not a successful pursue. Else, I won't be here today, learning about stocks and achieve towards early retirement. When I fall for someone, I would try to accommodate to her 120%. It happened once. Someone told me "Never stand to near to the tree, look around you. There are better trees out there. Since you stand too near, you can't see the actual's tree's leaves and fruits. Are they worth for you to sacrifice?" All of this happened on 2 weeks before my 2007 birthday. For 1.5 years, being the pursuer, I finally decided to give up after the fantastic words struck my mind. It was 4 years of admiration and 1.5 years as pursuer. I buried myself in chess competition for 11 days in Perlis, where I managed to whack 7.5 points out of 11 points. It was a hard decisions but, it was worthily to make such a move.

So there I was, June 23 2007. I stoned my heart for 3 years in University as tutor. I tried to find myself. Lack of motivation in life seeped in. I started to learn stocks in the middle of 2008.My motivations towards early retirement started to arise. As market crash, though, I was hold up in it, I kept it for 1 year before manage to sell it for a little profit. I started to look at blue chips. My first successful ever was buying Carlsberg Malaysia. At that time, Carlsberg was losing the share price to GAB, yet, when it pursued Carlsberg Singapore with cash, I viewed it in a different perspective. It's a business that generates income and expansion through Singapore.

As my contract ends on 11 January 2010, I needed to find a job. I was lucky and grateful to my course-mate who introduced me into the current company. Unexpectedly, I was given a chance to go to Singapore. It was a great chances. I grabbed it immediately. Life wasn't that great as I was busy learning. There wasn't any great entertainment other than watching dramas and entered chess competitions.

All this started to change till I met her on August 7 2011. Her eyes are kind of shining. My frozen heart started to melt, that I wanted to know about her. These FROZEN HEART melted after all these 5 YEARS!!! I managed to establish contacts with her. I tried to know more about her, understand her and concern about her. Guess she will be the 2nd girl I ever wanted to know. I am not sure whether she knows about my pursuant that time, before I really confessed.

I remembered her birthday, February 20th. Before that, I remembered that she said that her working place was kind of hot. Thus, I remind myself that I must buy a USB fan for her. To be more precise, I added usb cables for her as well, just in case, it wasn't long enough to attach to her PC. I was thoughtful of her plight. Therefore, I knew she was having stress at work. Thus, I included the 3rd item, a small doggy toy, to accompany her when she is sad or stress. 3 things. Yet, it took a month to really give her those birthday present.

I was a sore loser for confessing that in WHATSAPP!!!

It's because, I HAD NEVER EVER CONFESSED TO A GIRL FACE TO FACE BEFORE!!!

Before that, I did a stupid ever thing which would be eating McDonalds, for 4 weeks,  just to get the Hello Kitty for her, without knowing that she dislikes Hello Kitty. The worse part was, I stitch my confessions on 1 of the Hello Kitty. It took me 1 hour to sew that on the toy. Nearly prickle my fingers. What a dumb person I am? Trying to give surprises, backfire myself. She kept on pushing away those Hello Kitty back to me, thus, the message wasn't pass to her. I don't know whether she notice there're words at 1 of the toys.

Guess, my chance to really have her as my soul-mate, would be near to 0%, as she often rejected me when I asked her out. It's so hard to date her out. If only it's proven wrong, that she will instead ask me out either eating or watching movies, I would be glad. I guess, it's all in a fairytale. I want to treat and concern her more. I want to bring her along with me to wherever I will go, be it Japan, Korea or Hong Kong or Europe. I want to give her surprises and memories that she will never forget. I think it will always remain to happen in a dream. I just can hold her and dream of her smile in my sleep. Sometimes, I just don't feel like waking up, and continue dreaming about her. At least, I can live in dreamland forever, see her smile and celebrate each other's birthdays..... sounds sad celebrating my own birthday in a room, facing 4 walls in reality...

  

My Birthday

While writing this, I wish that the special one would know that today is My birthday. I remember her birthday, Feb 20. I tried to remember every single thing about her, knowing her more and getting close to her. But I got tongue tied. I wish to see her everyday. Will that come true?


For the 2nd time in my life, ever since  June 23 2007, till I met her on August 2012, I have no worries. All I did is about myself. There are a lot of things that I want to do for her. I just don't know why. Maybe that's because I am fond of her. What are my chances? I have no idea...Due to lack of confidence in this relationship thing. When I want to be in serious relationship, I vow that I will give 120% commitment to her only. I am just scared that she will ignore me, and that's why I have been having insomnia lately, and emotional too. With just a single word, I am motivated. 


Yet. if she ask me, I will use all my courage to say, "Yes, 520". Just don't know why can't type that word out. Need practise? If she ever sees this blog, I have no regret letting her know that, I want to protect her and be by her side.
    
Why am I so timid in expressing myself? I dare to whack all my opponents in chess, even though I am not a highly rated player. I am just an avid hobbyist, trying to prove that, there's nothing to worry or scared of. When I look into her eyes, there's something that attracts me to her. I want her to smile. I like to see her smile. If only she would sms me to wish me Happy Birthday, I am delighted.


Sometimes, I asked myself, why would being Mr.Nice guy always finish last? Should become bad guy instead? They say "Nan ren bu huai, nu ren bu ai". Well just let fate decide. I will just be myself. 

2012: Evolution

2011 came to an end, with high and low in life. It's time to properly organize my life, by having 1 more space in my heart. If there's fate, then there will be destiny. I may not know what the future lies ahead of me, but, I am sure that, I am healed from the past trauma. I should consider myself lucky, being not the chose one, for if not, I may not be able to go to where I am now. Thank you.

I spent too much resources in 2011. I shall call it quits in 2012. Everyone thoughts that, working in Singapore, is rich. If it's all dollar to dollar, and exclusive of exchange rates, we are actually the same. It's just that when I go back to Malaysia, I can buy something extra. I am grateful for the chances given by the company. There are friends out there that don't understand, the sacrifices made to earn this. All they got to know, was criticizing and saying how wealthy you are if you work in Singapore. They don't understand that it's all sweat and blood in earning this credits. There's always a give and take policy, yet, they take it for granted.  

Guess with the lessons learnt, I shall spend the times best with those who knows what real sacrifices mean. This shall be the best decisions made, as it's hard to please everyone. I have my freedom.

In 2012, the resolutions are:
1. Investing in dividend stocks and keep proper portfolio in investments.
2. Temporarily quit chess 1 year.
3. Managing e-Commerce website.
4. Having someone special (if destine to be)
5. Probably taking PMP.

Later on, probably there will be more in the resolutions. I can't think of any at this moment.